While storefront windows and neighborhoods sparkle with holiday decorations, many people experience a different side of the season. The holidays can stir up grief in profound ways, turning what’s meant to be a season of joy into a reminder of loss. Understanding how to navigate this season is important for those experiencing grief and loved ones who want to provide support.
Understanding grief’s deep impact
“Grief is often interchangeable with emotional loss,” said Ron Acierno, PhD, a psychologist, professor, and Louis A. Faillace, MD, Chair in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at McGovern Medical School at UTHealth Houston. “It’s a type of loss that involves an actual physical pain. Physical pain ratings go up when someone is grieving.”
The holidays present particular challenges for those grieving because these are the times and events reserved for each other that set up an expectation of togetherness.
“Yet, the lack of the presence of the other person at these times serves as a drastic contrast,” he said. “So, it makes it harder.”
Embracing memories, not avoiding them
Acierno emphasized the importance of engaging with memories rather than avoiding them. It’s not forgetting someone to move through grief. It’s learning to celebrate their memory as opposed to mourn their loss, he said.
“You’re still missing them, but you’re missing them with a smile not a tear,” Acierno said. “It’s important to catch yourself when avoiding things that remind you of them and do these things.”
This can include:
- Looking at photographs of loved ones. Remember the good times and good events as a celebration.
- Sharing stories and memories.
- Continuing activities that include memories of the person.
Supporting those grieving during the holidays
For family and friends wanting to support someone who’s grieving during the holidays, Acierno offered clear guidance. Give people the opportunity to talk about their loved ones. And be OK with them feeling sad.
“A lot of times people think, ‘Let’s not bring up Grandpa because Grandma gets upset when we do that.’ That’s not useful,” he said. “That’s not how you get through grief. Grief is a process, meaning you have to process it.”
Maintaining holiday traditions
Acierno advised against creating new holiday traditions to replace painful memories. He recommends maintaining them to honor the memory.
“You don’t want subtle forms of avoidance to creep in and not do something because that’s what they always enjoyed,” Acierno said. “No, let’s do it, and let the kids take over.”
Managing emotional moments
When emotions run high during holiday gatherings, Acierno emphasized the importance of accepting these feelings. He suggests using emotional moments as opportunities for connection. If a young child wants to know why Grandma is crying, explain she misses Grandpa. Then add a fun story about Grandpa and include Grandma.
“Be OK with people’s heightened emotions,” Acierno said. “You can’t be afraid of people’s emotions. Having emotions means you’re human.”
Moving forward with grace
The journey through grief, especially during the holidays, isn’t about forgetting or avoiding memories of loved ones. Acierno said it’s about learning to remember them the way they’d want to be remembered.
There are times when professional help might be needed, even though grief is a natural process. If grief feels overwhelming after three or four months, Acierno suggested seeking support.
By embracing memories with love and allowing ourselves to experience both joy and sadness, we honor those we’ve lost while continuing our own healing journey.
